Although it is further up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and is not considered by psychologists to be one of the most basic, there is one need that seems to always be present and, indeed, to be more prevalent than any other. This need is so strong that, regardless of whether or not other needs are met, we long for its satisfaction. This is the need for love. Not only do we long to be loved but to love. But what is love? The American Heritage Dictionary defines love as
The above dictionary definitions of love have developed with rise of popular fiction in the form of love stories, whether told through music, literature or film. These stories have caused us to view love as based on physical attraction, sexuality, appealing attributes such as wittiness, and a positive emotional response to another person. Such characteristics are subject to change and are often transitory. This is especially true of emotional feelings, which may change rapidly depending our mood or state of mind. Furthermore, those attributes of a person that we first found attractive often become sources of irritation as time passes. The intense emotional feelings we have at the beginning of a relationship frequently fade as the newness wanes. And characteristics that don’t correspond to our own, such as tidiness, which were overlooked or ignored at the beginning of a relationship may cause relationship problems later on.
While love may include affection, attraction and attachment, on one hand love is not limited to these qualities and, on the other, may not include them at all. Whether or not these qualities are an integral part of love depends on the type or level of love to which we are referring.
At the lowest level is eros or erotic love. It includes the attributes of attraction, affection and attachment. The orientation of eros is toward propagation of the species, i.e. toward sexual intercourse. It is the least stable form of love and, in its initial form, is primarily rooted in infatuation or being in love.
Filial love is the love shared or exchanged by family members and between close friends. The qualities of attachment and affection are usually present in some degree. However, attraction, at least on the physical level, is often minimal, if present at all. Although expressions of familial love may include physical contact such as a kiss or hug, it is not physical in its orientation. Bonds of unity, loyalty and camaraderie, among others, characterize it.
Eros and filial love are both heavily dependent on feelings, emotions and factors such as common interests, sense of humor and so on. Therefore, they are often temporary, weaker and imperfect. Additionally, particularly with eros, it is what is received rather than what is given that is emphasized. These levels of love, thus, have a strong selfish and egocentric aspect. This appears to be strongest at the eros level of love.
Most of us long to be loved for who we are with our idiosyncrasies and imperfections as well as our attractive qualities. We don’t want the love we receive to be based on trivial or surface qualities such as good looks, our humor and our talents. Rather we want to be loved for the total person we are and as we are. We want that love to be affirming, supportive, nurturing and lasting. This desire is for the highest and most perfect level of love, agape. Agape is a level of love that is not dependent on feelings or emotions. The more perfect it is the less it has to do with attraction and attachment. Indeed, agape is not a feeling but a decision of the will. It is not a matter of the heart but of the will. It is totally unconditional and unselfish. A person who receives agape love is loved for who and what they are and their attributes are completely irrelevant. The principle characteristic of agape is the good or welfare of the one loved. One who gives agape love desires what is truly and honestly best for the beloved and will do everything possible to provide that good, including sacrificing him or herself even to the point of giving his or her life. Among other things, agape is unconditional, respectful, helpful, compassionate, tender, just, merciful, nurturing, supportive, defending, loyal and permanent. Because it is a decision of the will rather than prompted by emotion, it is not swayed, altered or diminished by trials, tribulations, situations, circumstances or feelings. Furthermore, because agape is selfless, it seeks to always please the one who is loved. Although eros and/or familial love also may be present, the only real love is agape. Thus, if agape love is not merely included but the dominant type of love, it is not true love and is unlikely to last. As we shall see, it is agape that is at the heart of the Judeo-Christian message. This love is referred to by St. Paul who wrote in his ode to love,
Those who experience real love recognize and act upon a strong inner, heartfelt desire. We long to know fully the one we love. We want to be close to that person. We hunger to commune with the beloved and to be in the loved one’s presence as much as possible. And when we’re not there we pine for them as though part of ourselves is missing. Above all, always pleasing the beloved becomes more important to us than life itself and we would rather die than to displease or offend the loved one. It sounds like a fairy tale, but such love does and must exist and can be chosen or decided upon and cultivated. This is agape at its purest level. And, in its highest most supreme form, it existed before anything else. We call this supreme agape “God.” To choose agape love is the only way we can ever hope to being like God. To choose to love God as He has loved us is to be truly God’s image and likeness. In the end, it is only this agape that abides and survives.
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. 2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. 3.a. Sexual passion. b. Sexual intercourse. c. A love affair. 4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object. 5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment. 6. An expression of one's affection. 7.a. A strong predilection or enthusiasm. b. The object of such an enthusiasm.As we can see, the word appears to have a variety of meanings and we use it in many different ways, often erroneously. We say, for example, we love music or chocolate or sports. The use of the word love for these objects and activities is actually incorrect and only by colloquial usage has it come to be accepted. However, the appropriate use of the term is limited to what is given to and received from other persons rather than activities, events, and inanimate objects. Many of the definitions cited above are both incomplete and incorrect.
The above dictionary definitions of love have developed with rise of popular fiction in the form of love stories, whether told through music, literature or film. These stories have caused us to view love as based on physical attraction, sexuality, appealing attributes such as wittiness, and a positive emotional response to another person. Such characteristics are subject to change and are often transitory. This is especially true of emotional feelings, which may change rapidly depending our mood or state of mind. Furthermore, those attributes of a person that we first found attractive often become sources of irritation as time passes. The intense emotional feelings we have at the beginning of a relationship frequently fade as the newness wanes. And characteristics that don’t correspond to our own, such as tidiness, which were overlooked or ignored at the beginning of a relationship may cause relationship problems later on.
While love may include affection, attraction and attachment, on one hand love is not limited to these qualities and, on the other, may not include them at all. Whether or not these qualities are an integral part of love depends on the type or level of love to which we are referring.
At the lowest level is eros or erotic love. It includes the attributes of attraction, affection and attachment. The orientation of eros is toward propagation of the species, i.e. toward sexual intercourse. It is the least stable form of love and, in its initial form, is primarily rooted in infatuation or being in love.
Filial love is the love shared or exchanged by family members and between close friends. The qualities of attachment and affection are usually present in some degree. However, attraction, at least on the physical level, is often minimal, if present at all. Although expressions of familial love may include physical contact such as a kiss or hug, it is not physical in its orientation. Bonds of unity, loyalty and camaraderie, among others, characterize it.
Eros and filial love are both heavily dependent on feelings, emotions and factors such as common interests, sense of humor and so on. Therefore, they are often temporary, weaker and imperfect. Additionally, particularly with eros, it is what is received rather than what is given that is emphasized. These levels of love, thus, have a strong selfish and egocentric aspect. This appears to be strongest at the eros level of love.
Most of us long to be loved for who we are with our idiosyncrasies and imperfections as well as our attractive qualities. We don’t want the love we receive to be based on trivial or surface qualities such as good looks, our humor and our talents. Rather we want to be loved for the total person we are and as we are. We want that love to be affirming, supportive, nurturing and lasting. This desire is for the highest and most perfect level of love, agape. Agape is a level of love that is not dependent on feelings or emotions. The more perfect it is the less it has to do with attraction and attachment. Indeed, agape is not a feeling but a decision of the will. It is not a matter of the heart but of the will. It is totally unconditional and unselfish. A person who receives agape love is loved for who and what they are and their attributes are completely irrelevant. The principle characteristic of agape is the good or welfare of the one loved. One who gives agape love desires what is truly and honestly best for the beloved and will do everything possible to provide that good, including sacrificing him or herself even to the point of giving his or her life. Among other things, agape is unconditional, respectful, helpful, compassionate, tender, just, merciful, nurturing, supportive, defending, loyal and permanent. Because it is a decision of the will rather than prompted by emotion, it is not swayed, altered or diminished by trials, tribulations, situations, circumstances or feelings. Furthermore, because agape is selfless, it seeks to always please the one who is loved. Although eros and/or familial love also may be present, the only real love is agape. Thus, if agape love is not merely included but the dominant type of love, it is not true love and is unlikely to last. As we shall see, it is agape that is at the heart of the Judeo-Christian message. This love is referred to by St. Paul who wrote in his ode to love,
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. : Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Cor. 13:1-13)If eros or filial love does not grow and become transformed into agape it eventually withers and fades. And agape, too, must constantly grow, become ever more pure, ever more perfect, ever more giving, ever more self-donating, seeking first not its good, but the good of the beloved for whom the very best is desired. Agape, therefore, is the only real, the only true love.
Those who experience real love recognize and act upon a strong inner, heartfelt desire. We long to know fully the one we love. We want to be close to that person. We hunger to commune with the beloved and to be in the loved one’s presence as much as possible. And when we’re not there we pine for them as though part of ourselves is missing. Above all, always pleasing the beloved becomes more important to us than life itself and we would rather die than to displease or offend the loved one. It sounds like a fairy tale, but such love does and must exist and can be chosen or decided upon and cultivated. This is agape at its purest level. And, in its highest most supreme form, it existed before anything else. We call this supreme agape “God.” To choose agape love is the only way we can ever hope to being like God. To choose to love God as He has loved us is to be truly God’s image and likeness. In the end, it is only this agape that abides and survives.
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